Consistent support from friends and family is extremely important for someone with an eating disorder. It can be encouragement for the individual to talk about their struggles, reduce feelings of shame and even seek treatment.
Whether you are a parent, grandparent or friend, speaking with sensitivity and empathy are key to keeping the conversation moving forward. Individuals with an eating disorder are more likely to shut down or disengage in communication if they feel attacked or unheard.
In this blog, we will review general guidelines for communicating, scenarios when a conversation may arise and examples of what to say to someone with an eating disorder. Our hope is that you have the tools and confidence to continue supporting your loved one while keeping his or her health at the top of mind.
Guidelines for Communication
Regardless of the topic or who initiates the conversation, these are three helpful guidelines to follow.
The first is avoiding judgment and criticism. Eating disorders are complex and sometimes the actions of the individual do not make sense to a loved one. The first instinct can be to try and correct these actions or provide advice. However, this can do more harm than good because the individual with an eating disorder can misinterpret the words.
Second, engage with active listening and provide validation on topics that the individual openly discusses. Active listening can look like making eye contact, being present in the moment, and asking open-ended questions. Most importantly, it is listening and not always responding. You can find examples of ways to provide validation instead of advice below.
Lastly, be respectful and use compassionate language. It takes a tremendous amount of courage for someone with an eating disorder to speak about their feelings or challenges. As they open up and share their experiences, it is your role, as a loved one, to be there for them.
We do want you to know that these are just six of the many conversations that could occur, and the phases provided are simply prompts to help you navigate each conversation. If you find that you need additional support in building communication skills, contact us.
With that, let’s jump into scenarios and examples of what to say.
Expressing Concern
It can be extremely difficult to see your loved one showing warning signs of an eating disorder. It can be painful to see them struggling and not seeing the need for professional help. However, taking the time to address your concern(s) can be a pivotal moment and possibly the encouragement they need to seek resources and treatment.
When addressing your concern, find an appropriate time and place, use “I” statements and emphasize the reason you are sharing your observations is from a place of care.
An appropriate time and place will look different for everyone, but generally is a private or semi-private location without added stressors in the background.
Consider any of these:
- Walk in a quiet park
- Kitchen table in your loved one’s home
- Quiet corner in a coffee shop
- Secluded seating area in a garden
- Seating area in a library or book store
Inappropriate times would include social events or parties, crowded places, during rushed or busy times, or when either person has heightened emotions.
After a location has been determined, using “I” statements is the next priority. These types of statements express the observation and concern without placing blame on the individual.
This can look a few different ways such as:
- “I have noticed your energy has been lower recently, is everything alright?”
- “I am concerned about you and miss you hanging out with your friends. I want to be there for you”
- “I am worried about you, how are you doing?”
The last outcome you want is for the individual to feel ashamed for the actions they have or have not taken. By following these three recommendations, you can show concern and support. If you find that your loved one shuts you down when attempting this conversation, respect the decision and try again at a later time. It may take multiple attempts before your loved one is ready to hear and accept what you have to share.
Offering assistance in finding resources and treatment options
Another scenario where you would likely speak with someone about their eating disorder is when you want to offer to help them find resources and/or treatment options.
For these types of conversations, avoid using triggering language, stay clear of body and weight-related comments and avoid food-centered conversations. Aim to focus on positive attributes such as energy level and mood instead of physical appearance. This can promote a non-diet conversation and encourage body acceptance.
Here are a few examples:
- “I like your hair/shoes/bag”
- “I love the energy you are bringing to our conversation today”
It can be frustrating when attempting to offer help and the individual with the eating disorder denies the problem. This is likely because they lack insight into the severity of their illness. Resist ignoring the topic or arguing with the individual. Rather, let them know you care and continue to express concern and observations.
Consider using these statements:
- “I know it’s difficult, but I am here for you”
- “I am here when you are ready to talk”
Providing Emotional Support
There are also scenarios where the individual struggling with an eating disorder initiates the conversation. When this occurs, offer a listening ear without judgment and validate their feelings and experiences. This will allow them to take strides and feel empowered to communicate in the future.
Encourage them to express their emotions. From sadness and fear to anger, let the individual express their feelings and emotions. It can also be helpful to continuously remind them that they are not alone on their journey and that help is available.
Think about statements such as:
- “I may not understand but I will always be here when you need to talk”
- “I want to understand, can you share some of the feelings you are experiencing?”
- “Thank you for sharing that with me”
Encouraging Professional Help
When looking to engage with your loved one to encourage professional help, try discussing the benefits of therapy and treatment, providing information on eating disorder specialists and support groups and assisting in finding appropriate resources and making appointments.
Deciding to seek treatment can be extremely overwhelming for an individual but is absolutely necessary. A few ideas would be offering to accompany them to their appointment or sitting with them as they make the appointment.
There are various levels that a person with an eating disorder can be referred to. You can think of the levels as a ladder with increasing levels of support as you move upward. Within each level, a variety of therapies can be used. Understanding the treatment center’s approach to care can help you find the best fit as treatment will look different for every person, as it should.
At Anyone’s Journey, we strictly offer outpatient treatment; however, we are skilled at referring clients to higher levels of care and helping individuals or families determine the appropriate level of care.
Offering Practical Support
Helping with meal planning and preparation, encouraging healthy coping mechanisms and self-care activities and assisting with scheduling and managing appointments are all tangible things you can do. This creates a safe and supportive environment.
Example phrases:
- “Let’s write a meal plan together”
- “When are you free to watch a movie and spend time together?”
- “Want to try cooking a new recipe this week?”
- “Let’s go grocery shopping together”
Often we think of offering support around food related activities but try to spend time with your loved one outside of meals too. Go to the beach, head out to go shopping or suggest doing a craft. They may not always engage in the activity but with persistence the individual will know you care.
Avoiding Enabling Behaviors
Lasly, while we have discussed a variety of scenarios for communicating effectively, we want to highlight the difference between supporting and enabling.
As a supporter, refrain from participating in disordered eating behaviors or following diet culture mindsets that would enable your loved one to also engage in these behaviors.
Things you should not say to someone with an eating disorder:
- “I skip meals too so don’t worry about it”
- “You won’t gain weight if you eat that”
- “You have so much control at your meals, it is probably how you stay so healthy”
- “Let’s order this menu item because it is the only thing that seems healthy”
- “You don’t need that”
It can be helpful to set boundaries, encourage independence, and self-responsibility to keep the individual accountable. This will look different for every level of treatment. If you are struggling to understand how you can best avoid enabling, do not hesitate to contact us.
Communicating with someone with an eating disorder
There will be both positive and challenging conversations when engaging with someone with an eating disorder. Learning what to say can equip you to handle a variety of scenarios.
The bottom line is you should always provide encouragement that prioritizes their well-being and advocates to seek professional help. Ongoing support and understanding goes a long way and truly makes a positive impact.
All eating disorders require a personalized approach
The information shared today is meant for educational purposes and to help you gain a better understanding on the complexity of eating disorders. It is critical to remember that every eating disorder is different and requires an individualized approach.
Anyone’s Journey specializes in eating disorders and disordered eating with the approach that short strides result in long term possibilities. Our clinicians are also experienced in helping individuals that desire weight loss or are navigating chronic diseases.
It is also never too early, nor too late, to seek guidance on how to help someone with an eating disorder. Contact us by calling 612-638-2778, emailing contact@anyonesjourney.com or completing our Referral Form.